You see me? I’m the girlie more-than-half submerged in life who is treading water like a windmill, but barely keeping my head up. I don’t know what’s happening, but I am having trouble finding that karmic crossroad that intersects family time, work, personal time and all the other day-to-day things.
Warning: if you are looking for a post with an answer or a magic conclusion – skip this one. This is more of a venting, head-scratching post with a tinge of whininess and self-deprecating pity.
My mind is a whirling dervish and there aren’t enough hours to sort it all out. I am dropping the ball in small ways – only ones I’d notice and commiserate on my husband’s shoulder about. But, to a perfectionist, the nuances and bumps are frustrating.
Is it the holidays? I don’t think so. Sure it’s December and there is the general hub-bub of the holidays, but our calendar has been quite empty this month. And, my list of “gifts to knit or make” is manageable and remarkably short.
Is it the blog/project/local-eco thingee? Not so much. We are in our groove and have got most of this stuff figured out. There are bits and pieces here and there and more than a blog or two to write, but it’s not burning-the-midnight-oil kind of time consuming. But, I am thinking about what this project has meant over the last twelve months, where we are going and how to wrap up 2010…
I can’t find my time, Beckett time or Jacob time in a twenty-four day. The work day tallies up almost nine-and-a-half hours after taking into account commutes and daycare drop-offs and pick-ups. And, it starts early. The B and I are out of the house by 6:55 (it seems SO much earlier than 7:00!) and by the time we get home is after 4:30. Now, add in a load of laundry here or there and a floor that needs vacuuming because the dog brought in half the backyard on his paws and a checkbook to balance and a and a and a. But, don’t forget the dinner. That nightly sustenance requirement. It’s a daily stress for me. We’ve got the weekly menu that is created on the weekend, but it’s the execution of said menu that falters…
So, here’s how you can help… (if you wanted to help that is)
How do we get a fulfilling, homemade, delicious meal on the table in under 45 minutes every night? What’s your trick? And, take into account that I have a child who has no interest in television (a.k.a. an activity that would keep out of the kitchen for some respite of time) and would rather cook than play with a single toy for any extended period of time.
I am missing me. I am missing those 90+ minutes I used to spend at the gym every evening after work before B was born. And, I miss my one-on-one time with the oven and mixer as I baked up another scrumptious treat. Perhaps it’s a good thing that I don’t have time for baking, when I am not exercising…
And, then I am thinking about work. My passion is writing. I love writing and I would love, love, love to be paid for this hobby. I miss Beckett during my days with a guttural-aching pain. Don’t get me wrong – I love getting a break from her, but 50 hours per week away is too much.
I guess I am feeling like most working moms. This life, this mix, this time is hard. With each sigh of frustration, extra pound or gray hair that appears, I am more driven to make the most of this life. With every freelancing cold-call I am reaching farther to my dream. With every bizarre recipe that promises to be “delicious and quick” I am working towards solidifying that weekly menu of one sustaining evening meal after another.
If you have words of encouragement or ideas or stories or jokes or whatever – send ‘em my way! And, if you know of a parent making it all work – send me his/her name, phone number, address and email (just kidding!) – or just their blog name. And, if, oh if, you’ve got any tips or contacts with how to get this writing thing started, lemme know.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.