I am non-confrontational by nature. Just the thought of an argument or disagreement sends shivers down my spine. Raised voices and hostile utterances give me the heeby jeebies. In some aspects of my life it is to my benefit to carry this trait. I work in customer service at the local high school and I am able to plaster on a stoic smile in the face of a ranting parent or irate teacher. I make all efforts to diffuse the incident and keep the thermometer from reaching a boiling point. Or, I walk away. I turn a shoulder and eliminate myself from the situation.
Done. I don’t waste my energy or my time.
I find confrontations to be toxic. The energy, the swirling emotions, the racing heartbeat and the stifling atmosphere are not conducive to my inner health. Instead I subscribe to removal from the discussion and a hybrid form of meditation that involves deep breathing and commiserating on my husband’s shoulder.
But, this is a personal struggle for me. I stew over it.
I want the quickness and strength to respond with witty comebacks and I want the inner gumption to spit out an occasional “F you.” (The real phrase might really send me into a tizzy – so an adolescent half swear will do for now). I want to stand up for myself and shoulder the abuse and taunts with dignity and grace.
Where am I going with all this, you ask?
This feeling of inadequacy and lack of gumption is becoming a hurdle with this blog and my family’s project. I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing for me. For my family. For my child. And, for my home – our planet. I KNOW THAT. And, I stand by that. But, in the face of wicked teasing and a barrage of criticisms, I turn into a wall flower. I walk away. And, then I stew.
The support I have received is overwhelming. But, I feel like I need a dozen “Keep up the good work”s to make up for one nasty, close-minded remark. I want to stand strong with my chest out and my back straight and give as much as I am getting. I want to do it with poise and intelligence. And, I don’t want to be labeled a “radical bitch”.
And, so, after a sleepless night and a great deal of himming and hawing, I am closing the chapter on the negativity and toxicity. I am opening myself up to the support and making the inner choice to stand proudly by the choices I have made and the path that my family is on.
Today is the day that this flower tentatively moves off the wall and I become an advocate of my own decisions.
Thank you for your support and your words of encouragement. They help keep me afloat in this sea of discord.